New Year's Resolution - FAILED, okay, a setback

So, it is official, one of my New Year's Resolutions have failed. I had hoped to be at goal weight by today...March 31st. I am not. I have had a mixture of emotions as this day approached and I realized that it wasn't happening...first, defeat...then, acceptance...now, I am okay with it. Really okay with it. I did weigh in today...and I am officially less than 10 pounds away from my goal. I weighed in at 183...and my goal was 175. I am so close I can taste it. But...just when I think I am nearly there I do something to mess it up. Now, I would be happy to hit goal at my two year mark in May...but I need to accept that it is taking me longer to lose weight. I have to be so militant and I am not sure I can do that. I am eating better. I do work out...and I am trying to keep chocolate at bay...but I am definitely not perfect. Being in a WW meeting today I made this fact known to everyone there...the support was exactly what I needed. I weigh 63 lbs less than I used to...I have kept it off...every week I am losing a little...or maintaining...and even if I have a setback, I have come far. I need to be a little more patient with myself. I need to know my limits. And...as tempting as it was to go and eat myself into illness...I didn't. I did have some chocolate today...but I think I did a pretty good job of keeping it together!

School Officially Starts...

So, I have been spending time every day for the last week making sure that I have everything ready for TODAY...yes, today I officially returned to school. Okay, it has been 4 years since I last graduated from school...and to make things even more scary, I am doing something that I have done in a practical sense but I have no classroom background in it! So...I am getting my MBA...well first I have to take 8 undergrad classes, pass the GMAT and then I will be getting my MBA. I went to class tonight...and as I sat there I began to think of all of the reasons why I am going back..and also thought about the things that I have a hard time with in school. I SUCK at multiple guess tests...I have never been a great studier...I have done a lot of school work half assed, can I do that now? I left class tonight thinking I have a LOT of work to do before my next class meeting..and that isn't counting my online STATISTICS class or my class on Wednesday nights. EEK! Okay, calm down. I CAN DO THIS...I KNOW I CAN DO THIS...I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO...I JUST NEED TO SAY NO...NO...NO...

So, it begins...my goals are to keep ahead...don't get behind...and to set myself a schedule...like I schedule anything else...I will have time for study, time for work, time for play...and I need to be strict about it!

What am I taking...oh yeah, a Marketing class, a statistics class and an economics class, it should be interesting!

Trying the Masala Bhangra Workout...

My sister came to visit this weekend...and one of the things we did was attempt the new workout DVDs I purchased...the Masala Bhangra Workout DVDs, yes I purchased all four. I was watching the TODAY show a couple weeks ago...or a month ago and the girl who has made these was on...showing Hoda (who can dance) and Kathie Lee (who can't dance) these workout moves. I thought it looked fun! So I bought them. I haven't unwrapped them until now...and my sister and I had SOOOO MUCH FUN! What a fun way to work out! We did the first DVD...definitely broke a sweat and felt like we had a great workout. My husband and her boyfriend snuck some pictures of us...I will post only one. But, I recommend it. Apparently in some areas there are gyms that offer this class...I would DEFINITELY go to a class if one was offered!

Rainy Sunday...

Okay, it is officially day three of spring and it hasn't disappointed...RAINY RAINY RAINY! So, my sister and her boyfriend are visiting...we took them to some wineries in the area and had an indoor picnic at one of them...that was fun! Last night we cooked in and played games. Blockus and Pictionary...and today it is rainy and cold, so my sister and I are doing the home spa thing while my husband and her boyfriend go out and run around in this mess! Sundays are already a day that I just want to sit around in my pjs...but add the rain...and I REALLY don't want to go anywhere! So, I won't. It is really that kind of a Sunday! TWILIGHT came out this weekend...I got my copy yesterday and we watched it today. It was just as good the second time...although I still love the book better. I can't wait to see NEW MOON or ECLIPSE as a movie. I am not really sure about ever seeing BREAKING DAWN...it was my least favorite of the books. It could have ended with ECLIPSE! My husband thinks the books are cheesy...the movie is cheesy...he's nearly 40, what does he expect? I am also thinking a little about weekends...this is one of my last two before school starts and then my weekends are not my own. It is bittersweet I guess. I am excited about school...I want my degree but I also hate giving up the feeling of laziness and lack of things to do for knowing that I need to study every day...especially on the weekends! My husband found out Friday that he is allergic to gluten...well has a body that cannot process it and needs to stop eating it NOW! I feel bad for him...but after two days of gluten free items...he is feeling a little better. We are already thinking about recipes and things that he can eat and can't eat. I told him if this had happened 10 years ago it would have been AWFUL...but now there are TONS of gluten free items out there! Already he has had pasta that was gluten free and some pretzels...it has been okay. This morning we made aebelskivers for breakfast and he made some that were gluten free...and they weren't bad at all! It will be better for me too...no more bread...or certainly less of it! Well, I hope everyone else's weekend was great! Enjoy these first few days of spring...the warmer weather is just around the corner!

The Day before Spring Starts...

Okay, I have it, officially I have spring fever! I love winter...I love snow...but now I am ready for warmer weather and no snow and ice. I wanted one more big dump before spring...but I guess it isn't going to happen. We had so much snow in December...it is almost disappointing how little we got in typically the most wintry months of the year. So...today the sun is shining. If I leave my apartment I will get a view of Mt Spokane, covered in snow against blue skies and just an incredible view of the valley, mountains and North Idaho! I am thinking about spring cleaning...I started this sorting and organizing in January...now I feel like I want to kick it into high gear. I want to be done. But, I have so much more to go through. I joined Freecycle for the sole purpose of giving away my stuff...so far it has worked out okay. But...this takes a commitment of time and patience. I did Freecycle when I lived in Cincinnati. I met a very interesting group of people. The people I gave things to were literally from every walk of life! It was so cool to meet so many nice people...and of course I received emails from a lot of mad people...people who wanted to know why I didn't pick them or why I couldn't wait a week to get rid of something. It was amazing to me the amount of people who felt my freecycle stuff belonged to them. So..,I am hoping that my Spokane Freecycle experience is a better one. My sister is coming to visit this weekend. I am so excited. I have so many things I want to do with her...but on the other hand I want us to chill and take it easy! So...I hope we can get that balance and that the weather is AWESOME!!

Spring is coming...

I can feel it. Spring is around the corner. This weekend my husband and I cleaned the apartment. We each have our separate tasks...he gets the bathroom and kitchen, I do the rest. I have let go of his cleaning methods...he does it, I don't go behind him and do additional stuff anymore. I used to. But, this is all part of me just letting things be. He does a GREAT job! And...I feel like I get it easy doing the vacuuming and dusting of the rest of the apartment. He does help me move furniture and the futon! So...that is also so incredible! I have also got the urge to really go through and purge everything...or at least touch everything I own and assess its value. I am already doing it. I started this in February. But...you know it never ends. I am working on a couple of projects that require me to go through papers and files to make sure I haven't missed anything! There is something really satisfying about a clean apartment, the smell of pine sol and pledge and bleach...anyway, this was kind of sparked by the fact my sister and her boyfriend are visiting next weekend...AND that I want the apartment to look a little less cluttered when school starts so I can concentrate on my studies and not think about the stuff I should do BEFORE I study! And, I need to plug Papa Murphy's stuffed crust pizza...they have one with onions, chicken, bacon, garlic cream sauce and tomatoes and it is INCREDIBLY good!

Spoiling Myself...

Okay, I feel a little guilty...last week I cashed in my sister's gift to me, a facial and pedicure at a local spot http://www.brickhousemassage.com/ called the Brick House...this is the only place I have ever gone for spa like treatments here in the Spokane area. I like it there. But, this week I went to get a massage...from a student I used to know at Apollo College, she has her own business she shares with another...and boy did that feel good...and today I went to get a haircut, last time I had my hair done was in December and that was a color. So, I am feeling REALLY spoiled! But, I figure it is good for me to do something for me. I know, many of you think that since I don't have children...I have LOTS of time for me...it isn't always the case. I do keep pretty busy doing things, running errands, work, work with the youth commission...it does keep me running. Anyway, I feel very content today. On the flip side I have decided to change my weigh in at WW...I usually go on Saturday mornings at 7:30am...roll out of bed, dress and go...I barely brush my teeth...now I am going to start going to a 12:15pm meeting on Tuesdays...I worry about having it so late in the day, will my breakfast and water intake effect my weight? I guess I will wait and see. I was told there may be an adjustment period while I switch to this meeting...I love the meeting leader...so this is why I want to come to this one. There is one at 7am on Wednesdays...but I HATE rising before 7am. So, we will wait and see what happens. And, just so you know, I have gained a little....I feel very sad about it. I might go eat a bunch of chocolate...just kidding. I sometimes feel like that...but most of the time I tell myself to just do better. I have had a lifetime of bad eating habits and only 2 years of trying to make it right. It takes awhile to form a habit! Oh, and I think I will spoil myself once a month with a massage...it does make me feel SOOOOO relaxed!

40 Days of Yoga...Reflections part 2

So, today was officially the last meeting...and we had a guided meditation. It was incredible. I guess it felt better because I had just completed a 60 minute yoga class...and that really seems to clear my mind! I feel stronger...even today. So...I will continue with some things that I think about based on the 6 weeks journey...

Week 4 Restoration -
What do I most need to let go of? What are things that I would be relieved to finally release? I think my past...things that happened in my past, to me, because of me...I think if I could once and for all let it go...I think it would really help. I also need to let go of things that I am not able to control...I do find myself very controlling and thinking if I could have done this different, the outcome would be different. I just need to let things be...and I would be a much more relaxed person!

Week 5 Centering -
How mindful am I of even the smallest details of my day? Oh my gosh...there are HUGE gaps in my day...the drive to work, walking in the grocery store, sitting on the couch, listening to someone talk to me...I am often there in body but do not remember or do not hear what is going on around me. This scares me! I am sure if I miss something, it could be a bad thing. I feel like I have difficulty being at one place or doing one thing at a time...and I really want to work more on this!

Week 6 Triumph -
I want to manifest...according to Merriam Webster online manifest means 1 : readily perceived by the senses and especially by the sight 2 : easily understood or recognized by the mind : So what do I want to manifest? Our final assignment was to write this sentence 4 times...and not censor ourselves and write about what we want to manifest, so...

I want to manifest a sense of calm, I want people around me to see me as calm, not excitable, and certainly not a force that comes it and stirs things up and then moves on. I want be calm, be able to call that calm feeling whenever and wherever I need it.

I want to manifest strength - not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I continue to amaze myself with the physical strength that is developing slowly but surely, but I also want to be mentally strong...increase my brain's capacity for memory and thoughts that are more purposeful rather than random.

I want to manifest presence...being present when I am doing something, doing that and only that before moving on to the next task or situation.

I want to manifest worth...being worthy of some time for myself, by myself that I can use to work on me, whether that be 5 minutes or 30 minutes.

This whole experience has been an eye opening one for me...I definitely want to keep up with doing yoga daily. I think it is realistic to do 30 minutes a day...and if I happen to add a class, I think that is even better. I also want to work more on the meditation. I think it has value and I just need to work past my issues with it. If I can just get in 5 minutes, I think this will help me!

40 Days of Yoga...Reflections

So...Monday will end my 6 weeks of yoga, it is somewhat bittersweet. I think at Monday's meeting we will have a guided meditation and reflect on what we have learned about ourselves in the past 6 weeks. I have learned that I need to go slower with the yoga...my mind is ready but my body is not. My knees have always bothered me...I need to build their strength before I can do some of the poses. I need to let go of feeling like the pose needs to be perfect...I am a beginner, and sometimes that is hard for me to admit. I am not saying I shouldn't push myself...but I need to know that it will come with time. I am so happy that the yoga instructor I have is patient and definitely encourages us that things will take time! My meditation is horrid. I have found that on a walk or in a hot bathtub I can meditate fairly well, however sitting still and clearing my mind only works for a max of 10 minutes. I will continue to work on it as it is good for me! My diet...well I am on WW, I managed to hit my 60 lbs goal during this 6 weeks of yoga which was exciting. I have found that for the most part my diet is balanced. Of course I LOVE my chocolate. I tried drinking the Zrii and found that it didn't really change anything about my diet or energy or anything else for that matter. I was somewhat disappointed...it would be nice to not be so DRAWN to chocolate. I have to have my husband hide it and ration it to me...which is bad. But...it does help me from overeating. I found that for the most part my diet is balanced...I was disappointed with the Fruit Cleanse outcome and maybe I will try it or some other cleanse in the future. I am reading over the questions that we had at the beginning of every week and I have begun to try and write down my thoughts rather than just think about what I would said to each question. For me, sometimes it is better to just get it out there. So...I am going to open up in a way I feel I have difficulty doing...

In Week 1 Presence
I answered the following question:
1) What are my beliefs about
my body? I am not happy with it, I feel that I have let myself go and I need to work on getting it both strong and more slim.
my relationships? I only want ones in my life that nourish me...I am done with ones that cause me to spend time dwelling on their problems and not addressing ones of my own. I do not mean to be selfish...but I feel like I need to work on me so I can be better in a relationship. Most of my relationships are distant right now...and in two years I haven't made any new friends...with my husband, I think we continue to grow and do well...and I think this time has helped us to grow as a couple and develop the way we see each other and react to one another.
my work? I go to work with a sense of pride...I enjoy my work and I look forward to going...which is really saying something.
spirituality? ooh, this is a tough one for me and I still need to process this one
sex? I would like to think it is always the best it can be...but I have noticed a change as I have gotten older, that is all I want to say about that one.
money? Ah, I definitely use money differently than I used to...yet I am still in debt and still want things I don't need...I think I deal with it better than I used to but it is still a struggle!

In Week 2 Vitality
What are the forces in my life that drain my energy? There were several questions, but this was the one that stood out...because I had to take a good hard look at what makes me drained. I think I spend too much time thinking about the past. And...it has happened and I need to let it go and move on. I don't think about it all of the time...but there are moments when I think what if? Or I think about an incident that happened that I am angry or sad about...and it is almost like it happened yesterday, all of the emotions are still there! EEK, I wish I could erase some of that...and yet, I like me, I like who I am...all of that yuckiness made me, me...so in some ways I should be at peace with that.

In Week 3 Equanimity
All about reactivity and attitude...this is sometimes a challenge for me...I have always been kind of an angry person...and I tend to blow up when I am feeling anger...rather than bottle it up. Well, that has gotten me into some trouble over the years, so I have developed some ways for me to detach myself. I still need to vent but often I can leave the situation before things get too ridiculous. So...I have been trying to be more proactive than reactive...this works for my work life...but my personal life, sometimes I am not so good at it. And, being a person who likes to control situations...well you can imagine how control sometimes isn't much of an issue if you are in an unforeseen situation. So...taking that deep breath, counting to ten, removing myself from the situation...reminding myself that I do not need to react. These are the things I work on.

WHEW...that is enough for today, I will finish the last three weeks tomorrow!